Saturday, December 19, 2009

Fear and Ketchup

My biggest truth...I am afraid. Nearly every problem in my life stems from fear.
Fear of embarrassment
Fear of disappointing
Fear of being wrong
Fear of me or my children dying
Fear of being hurt
and many others. I fear things that I have no control over, so I attempt to find a way to control those situations, and when I can't, I don't know what to do.

I have, like I'm sure most of us do, certain little memories of things from when I was a child. Things I remember clear as day, things that I replay in my head quite often, and wish they had gone differently.

One very prominent memory I have, is of my dad and I in a grocery store. Now we never had much money, so we made sure to use coupons and watched carefully for sales. Ketchup was on sale!!

It must have been a pretty good sale too, because there was a limit of one. We grabbed our ketchup and up to the register we went. Waiting in line, my dad pulled some money out of his pocket, and asked me to run and grab another thing of ketchup, and to pay for it at another register. Scared about going through a big scary grocery line up on my own, and being too young to understand why I needed to, I flew down the aisles to grab the ketchup, praying to make it back to my dad in time. Lucky me, I was one of the fastest kids you've ever met! ;) I made it back in time, and proudly proclaimed, "Here's the other ketchup Dad!" So sure I was going to make my Dad proud of how fast I'd gone. Instead, I was greeted with an angry (and now I understand, embarrassed) face, telling me to shush, and still sending me off to another checkout to purchase the ketchup.
Now, I was ashamed that I had made a mistake, that I had disappointed my Dad, I thought I was doing the right thing.... I WAS doing the right thing.

No, my Dad should not have asked me to go buy a second thing of ketchup, no he shouldn't have been getting that second one in the first place, and you know what, he also shouldn't have gotten embarrassed when he was almost "busted" getting an over the limit ketchup. In fact, that's pretty funny now looking back.
I prayed so hard to Jesus to please let me make it back in time, and me making it back in time was like a slap on the wrist to my Dad about doing the right thing. He knew it was wrong, or he wouldn't have been embarrassed.

I did nothing wrong, and my father is human. I loved him no less after that, and he loves me no less because I caused him embarrassment. I still feel the biggest need to make my daddy proud, and I know in many ways I do...I am not a disappointment, and I do not wish that story to ever be different. I got to be a part of God trying to teach my dad something.

This is just one story in my many truths I will eventually share. But it helps me, and I hope you, understand a little bit more about who I am. One brick down, many more to go.

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